For a special someone

 Hi,

    I know I have been the worst this past year. I know you haven't felt the same way since the pandemic hit and so did I. I thought that giving you space and waiting for you to come around was the right thing for us. I thought that you would become more independent and that you would learn that you are very strong and you can do anything. I thought that giving you the space will help you go back to being with your friends and enjoying your life without me. Most especially, I thought that when you had time to let yourself free a little, I would just be here waiting for you with all the things that you've learned by yourself and having to experience a new you.

    I, too, had plans to change over that time. I wanted to enjoy being with my family and experience how it's like to live with them for a longer period of time. We were never in the same house for so long and I wanted to savor that time before I lived away from them. I wanted to make sure they were living ok before I face a new chapter of my life in my 30's. I knew, that when it was time to go outside, I would have to let go of being the spoiled favorite son or grandson for the rest of my life.

    I never wanted to leave you hanging. But I thought you wanted to get away from me so bad. I felt you wanted to have a taste of being single for one last time when you went to trips with your friends without me and that I had to leave you be until you came around. I thought that we had to miss each other for a longer time so we could appreciate how much we had together. I really did miss you. I still do miss you. I miss the person I knew. But I know you won't be the same one I would know. I never thought that what I wanted for you will haunt me so much in the end. I am so sorry that I thought it was best for you on my own. I never should have thought of that alone.

    Although I missed the old you, I was also looking forward to the new you. I was looking forward to how independent you would be and how much you've enjoyed being with your friends. I was looking forward to the stories you would tell about work and all the new people you met online. I was looking forward to hearing news about your old friends and how their lives have been. I was looking forward to the new stuff you've learned.

    Fast forward to today, I guess I was right in many ways and wrong in a lot. I never thought it would come to this but here we are now. I was right that giving you the space you needed was the right would make you realize a lot of things. I was right that you will learn to be independent and that you will find many things you will enjoy with other people other than me. I always knew you would be good with many things and you would be great in many more. You have become an incredible person. Your team loves you and so many people love having you around. Many people reach out to you for advice and you have been great at keeping people company. You also became a very good leader to your teammates. You've had a lot of time to focus on your work and your career has been soaring high. I am very proud of who you've become and I will always be proud that I had a part in pushing you to become the great person you are now. I know you will achieve many more great things and I just hope you remember me when you look back at that list of accomplishments.

    I have changed a lot too. Being with my family for a long time has made me realize that I have been dependent on my family for so long. I thought they were the ones that needed me because I payed all the bills and I was the one spending the money. As the weeks went by, I realized I was just there, living. I was in my own room, thinking of things that I wanted to experience with the person I loved the most but she wasn't there. I didn't want to suddenly force myself back into her life while she's focusing on things she wanted to do. And I didn't want to risk the health of my family because I was the only one working and getting sick or getting myself caught because of bad government policies might jeopardize that. I thought I just had to endure having to miss out on so much of her life and it will work out fine because we will have the rest of our lives together.

    After that horrible year, I was ready to move on. I was ready to have a life with you no matter where it would take me. I was ready for the future whether it meant moving to a different place or having kids. I thought to myself, "She was right. We should live together for ourselves." I was thinking I'd be all in on all the things you've planned before and all the things you wanted to do. I thought it's worth spending a few more pesos in a month just as long as I could spend the time with you. That's where I was wrong. I always thought you'd be able to do all that. I just never thought you'd want to do it without me.

    As much as I love how you've changed, I never thought you would feel miserable with me. We always had a solution to our problems or we always made a compromise. I guess having been away from each other for too long made us lose that. But I never thought the solution was to break up. I never do. I thought maybe since it was a long time before we learned something from being apart, it might take a while for us to being able to come around again. But I never thought the solution was to break up.

    I felt that we were out of touch. I felt it the moment we first moved in. I thought six months might be too short of a time to go back to the way things were but I thought six months would be enough time to warrant an extension. We both have changed and I knew it would take long before we could adjust to each other's changes. I just never thought you'd bail after just one month. Being one of the strongest people I know, I thought you wouldn't give up on me that easily. I thought that after living together for six months, we would be able to live anywhere we wanted. I thought, after six months, you would be able to continue your dreams and I will be there to support you wherever you are.

    To be honest, I thought it was a sign that someone will be joining my team and be able to do the things I usually do for work. That also means that I can leave now and move to wherever I wanted to go. I loved it. I can learn to live you, I can live away from my family, and I no longer need to be hesitant on leaving my job. Now that I have enough saved, I can be with you wherever you want and not have to worry about what I leave my family with. I started to work on personal projects just so I can refresh my skills and planned on checking my LinkedIn account to see if there were opportunities for me abroad. I even started searching for IETLS mock exams online to see if I also need to review and we can take it together. But then again, that was all me.

    I know, right now, you still have this lingering bad feeling whenever I'm around. But for the one month that we have spent here together, I know there's still hope. We still enjoy each other's company. It's just that a lot has been changing and it could be overwhelming. With you having a new job and being emotional with leaving your old job, it's a lot to take in. Add to that the expenses of having to maintain a new place. I think I get it. But it also makes sense to me that we go through what we planned. For me, it's not a waste of time to spend another five months as long as I can see even the slightest spark of hope that we will get through this. I am not willing to give up on someone just because she's changed. I'm not saying that we have to be together all the time. We just have to hold on for five more months and see how it goes. You don't even have to stay every night with me on weekdays. This is as much of a struggle for me as you but just having a place to call our own is enough for now.

    I know you think what you feel right now is unfair for me and it is. But life is never fair. I don't want to love you because it's fair. And I know you want it to be fair because you love me. I'm no longer looking for what's fair. I just want to grow old with you. The past year, I've seen how unfair love is. I've seen my mother give up on the job she loves just to keep our family together. I've seen her endure a lot for our family. I've seen her not give up on my father even when it may be hard sometimes. I've seen myself giving up the person I love most for the sake of the other five people I love most. And now I'm giving myself the chance to live without them but I already gave up so much. I just wish I didn't have to choose.

    We all change and we all learn. I love you so much and I don't want to lose hope on the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. If you give us a chance, we will learn even more new things that we never knew about ourselves. I've started to learn a lot already in just one month. I just wish we could continue it for many months more.

    I know I haven't said to you much about my feelings but I just thought I didn't want to overload you with so much emotion while you have been going through a lot. I hope to be better at showing you how I feel and I'm trying. I know we'll get through this eventually if we don't give up now. We just have to be patient.

    Soren Kierkegaard said, "The unhappiest man is one trapped in past memory or future hope, incapable of living in the present." In some ways, we made ourselves in to that. We think about the past and how we've changed now and we try to go back to what we once were. We also think about the future and the plans we had and we realize that's not going to happen with all the changes. That makes us unhappy. But now I realize we just have to go through this together. You've changed a lot and I don't want to bring you back to who you once were. I just hope that what we are doing now will lead us to a future that was not what we planned but a future that we will have together. I don't mind the changes that happened while we were apart. What matters is that as long as we still love each other, all these changes that we've rediscovered about ourselves will fall into place once we rediscover what we are together. I love you through all the changes and I will love you for more than that. I have always been loving you.